In our world today, we see marriages crumbling for many reasons. One reason is an imbalance. Imbalance happens when a small thing is out of its designed purpose and it can create a negative impact.

In the challenges of relationships, we are learning balance; growing together and walking agreed. Just as a proper balance will help the wear and tear on your vehicle’s tires, so will it help in your relationships. Marriage is the most important relationship in our lives outside of our walk with Christ. Anything of unity is a threat to the devil – he wars against it.

One of his missions is to divide and bring an imbalance to relationships. Solomon shows us the danger of an imbalance. In Proverbs 11:1:

“A false balance is an abomination of the Lord: but a just weight is his delight. When pride cometh, then cometh shame: but with the lowly is wisdom.”

Balance shows order and symmetry. When things are operating in order, they build health and deepen intimacy. But when we put ourselves first, things go out of balance—quickly. We become more aware of taking for ourselves, rather than giving of ourselves.

Here are three ways to guard against imbalance in marriage:

Sex

This is a sacred act between husband and wife. Our world has cheapened this act and made it casual. Keeping ourselves for our spouse is a holy endeavor. As a marriage grows, so does our love for our spouse. Sex is an expression of love and as each spouse learns each other, and prefers the other above themselves. This is how passion is cultivated.

Personal connections forge romance and care for each other’s soul. Sex is more than just feelings and desires expressed, but a time to impart our soul. This intimate connection builds security and closeness. Sex, in a balanced way, guards your marriage.

A sexless marriage can suffer due to various reasons. There may be an abusive past experience which creates internal brokenness. Your spouse may think about sex as a dirty or selfish act. Often body image or health issues makes a spouse feel ugly and unwanted, lowering the libido drive.

How to move forward from here?

• Talk about it with each other. Be patient.
• Seek counseling to help create creative ways to help each other without placing demands upon one another.
• Strengthen your image and self-worth by heeding to how Christ looks at you.
• Take small steps to do what you can now to take care of yourself, your body, soul and spirit.

Comparing and competing with the world’s standard and with other couples will only lead to frustration. Find what works for you both to restore balance. Satan can take advantage of temptation, so each spouse must keep themselves accountable and humble before God in these seasons.

In-laws

Learning to have a balanced relationship with our in-laws keeps them from becoming outlaws (play the Wild West music, please.) We owe so much to our parents; we are who we are largely because of them. Often as their kids get married, the parents want to continue to vicariously live their lives through them and maintain control. This can be the source of a lot of conflicts; boundaries are what protect the marital mystery and the parental relationship.

Parents transition from parenting, to coaching as the child comes of age. When the child leaves the house and enters their marital covenant, the effective platform of encouragement becomes coaching and being available to offer advice in times of need. Coaching is when we share our view (without expectation of implementation) and let the outcome happen as it may. This empowers the husband and wife to lead and direct their marriage without someone imposing their perspective upon them.

Insecurity creates imbalance by overcompensation. The overreaching and interference often grow from the feeling of being replaced and “no longer needed”. This can be a strong projection and a lie. We take on an important new role of encouragement and support by coaching. Seeing the value in your roles protects the future of the relationship.

Money

Money is a good servant but a terrible master. When you look at someone’s spending patterns, you can see what their values are. Typically, there are spenders and savers. Friction can result when you’re not on the same page with your spouse. Especially when balancing the budget, communication and negotiation is needed to determine a single, unified direction as you build your future together. Frequent communication will help minimize fear and misunderstandings.

Often two thoughts will prevail in dealing with money. “Scarcity thinking” is driven by fear, where we find ourselves thinking we will never have enough. This results in holding on tightly to what we have now.

The second way of thinking is “abundant thinking”, where whatever little we have, we have chosen to be content with it. This thinking can infuse joy and perspective. It is healthy to be content but not satisfied.

Identify your primary pattern of thinking and initiate balance by planning on how and on what to spend your money. Often the more extreme one spouse gets, the other spouse finds a way to make their way happen.

Not perfect but being perfected

There is no perfectly balanced marriage; simply a life-long journey of constant adjustments. Ways to stay flexible to change is:

• Pray together.
• Purpose to revolve around healthy people that are an example of the kind of marriage you want to build.
• As problems arise, resist the tendency to be problem-centric and blame each other.
• Reassess your vision and remind each other of the big picture.
• Compromise is normal as long as you’re walking agreed in the same direction.

Throughout your walk together, keep your eyes on the perfect example: Jesus. And always remember you both are on the same team!

After 23 years of marriage, it is still a mystery.

As my wife and I journey through life together, we learn about the power of the Lord and the weakness of ourselves. Anything valuable must be invested in, otherwise it devalues. Marriage is a personal investment. Like many of us, we want a “quick fix” to our problems; we just want to live “happily ever after.”

The truth is marriage is an onward, intentional journey of grace and truth; losses and gains teach us to know the Lord better.

Our concepts before marriage can be based on a fairy-tale image of each other, almost blind to each other’s imperfections and the troubles that lie ahead. As we step through the door of commitment, the blinders come off and we are confronted with the mystery of marriage.

Motivation to serve each other can often be driven by seeking fulfillment or what we believe we deserve. In Christ, the ultimate purpose in marriage is that we are both being conformed into the image of God. We become more and more like Christ toward each other, and as we serve each other, we grow together.

Identifying the stages of marriage

As the seasons change, so do we; being married to one, may feel like we married many different people. Life changes us. We are not who we use to be. Do things get better with age? Yes, they can if we build correctly.

Stages where we evolve are:

• Honeymoon – All is bliss.
• Building a life – Housing, career and mission. Adjustments and discoveries.
• Kids – We realize how much we are like our parents. Our lives are not our own anymore. Sacrifice on new levels.
• Grandkids – Enjoying the next generation. Spoil them, learning to be a good coach to your kids.
• Senior living – Legacy-focused. Limitations and learning how to navigate healthcare.

Discovering each other in each of these stages will deepen your marriage and deepen your love. We learn flexibility, make mistakes and are reminded that love isn’t a feeling; it is a choice we make every day.

Changing marital dynamics

As time goes on, relationships can change. Fading or drifting away from passion can be swallowed up in the details of life. Neglecting each other in the little things can lead to disinterest and boredom. What brought wonder is now all too familiar. This can spread like a cancer in a relationship. Distractions of a busy life can make time fly and before you know, you may have lost months or even years.

Satan wants to circumvent and change the divine design of the man and women’s roles in the relationship. He loves to usurp one another’s roles by causing the man to stop leading and initiating and having the woman stop responding to her man in a healthy way. Selfishness is the enemy to intimacy; if it is all about ourselves, we will ultimately be alone in the marriage or we won’t have a marriage.

Some examples of an unhealthy relationship look like this:

• Father-Daughter relationship. Control and instruction are prominent rather than sharing and learning from each other.
• Mother-Son relationship. Can develop where the wife takes care of her husband and the husband is passive and lazy.
• Dictator-Slave. “My way or the highway” attitude. They are a possession to use rather than an individual to be cherished.  
• Roommate environment. May develop where the passion has died and now it is about keeping house and staying together for the kids.

There may be seasons where we experience one or more of these, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. Keep working at it and the value will increase.

Get your marriage back

When talking about romance and “wooing” our spouse, often we are clueless. This journey is a step-by-step and moment-by-moment process. Often the complaint is “all he wants is sex” or “all she wants to do is talk”; these are just a few statements of many. It has been said that women will have sex to have a relationship where a man will have a relationship to have sex. The needs of each spouse are different, and we must start somewhere and realize that small things are big things.

We are all seeking meaningful connections; to be known and accepted. The dynamics of this process is in a place of vulnerability. To the measure we let people in is to the measure we will experience meaningful connections. This can be a scary place because we always want to show our “best side” and hide our flaws. But in a real, loving relationship, love ministers life in every condition.

How do we keep our marriage strong?

Intimacy grows the marriage. Intimacy is a beautiful closeness that is developed through intentional initiations of love. This accumulation has a return on investment.

Here are six areas in which to grow intimacy:

• Emotional Intimacy– Sharing our soul with one another. Hear each other fears and success and learn to celebrate them together.
• Physical Intimacy – Sharing our body with one another. Bless your spouse and your needs will be cared for.
• Intellectual Intimacy – Sharing our mind with one another. Learn what interests your spouse has and learn to value them.
• Recreational Intimacy – Sharing our activity with one another. Change the scenery to change the mood.
• Social Intimacy – Sharing our social circles with one another. Identify healthy couples to invite over and widen your circle.
• Spiritual Intimacy – Sharing our “spiritual heart” with one another. Fellowship and ask questions that stimulate spiritual dialogue. This intimacy is the engine to all others.

Starting small

Start small and identify what brings you together. This will build momentum. A good place of discovery is to ask yourselves, “What makes you and your spouse come alive?” Let that be your starting point. Find a starting point to date your spouse again. No spouse wants to tell the other how they should be loved; this is the mystery and the thrill of the chase!